26 weeks here we are....

Well I'm here..... 26 weeks pregnant. 6 days away from when I had Anthony...... and yeah, well.... I'm here! I've been quiet emotional the last few days. Its almost like a state of shock, panic, happiness, feeling thankful, still scared, still not 100% confident. I still need to get through this week and I hope maybe when I hit week 27 this magical thing will happen and I will feel the way everyone wants me to feel...... relaxed. I can only hope. But seriously? How can you really relax when you have visions of these things forever stuck in your head.

Have you witness your child being put on a ventilator?

Have you seen your child hooked up to medical equipment like this to keep them alive?
Have you watched paramedics put your child into an ambulance?
Have you follow that ambulance feeling incredibly helpless?
Have you seen your child that doesn't even weigh 3lbs have heart surgery?This is why at 26 weeks pregnant I am still scared!!

I feel like people expect me to forget all that ever happened. I really really wish i could some days. But it was a changing event in my life. And the last 3 years of larry and I's lives have been based on that moment that Hailey died. Everything spiraled out of control, and for so long Larry and I didn't know if we would ever get back to "normal". For the first year of Anthony's life I was scared of him dying on me. I knew that it was a real possibility that I would have to give my son CPR, hell the hospital wouldn't even let us take him home till we were trained in how to give it to an infant. I learned how to carry an infant with an oxygen tank on my back and an apnea monitor over my shoulder. I could go on and on, but my point is these are the things I think about this week being 26 weeks pregnant. I know what having a 26 weeker preemie is like. Knowing that they can survive is comforting, but I also know what CAN happen now and all the long term effects and issue a child can have. I know the tears, the fear, the hope of what the future will bring. And yes Anthony has had a pretty awesome outcome, but I know of other preemies born even later then him that are not so lucky.

These are the pictures and thoughts going through my head this week, and unless you have "been there, done that" you don't fully understand. Thank you to my friends that do "get it" and having been great with the support. I really do need it right now. And thank you for not telling me to relax. If anything that just makes me even more riled up lol